My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
