me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Randomize
