Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
