Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
