I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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