Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We have so much sex to catch up on
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
