oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
