If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We need to get me chipped asap
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
