I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
