In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
