I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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