Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
