This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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