My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
