stop calling my apartment porn island.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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