you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
