I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
