No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
