cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
