Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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