Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
