i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
