remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
