I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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