Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
