Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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