I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
