Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
