I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
