Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
