don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
