Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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