Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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