I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
