I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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