Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
