Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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