God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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