Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
