i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
