Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
