Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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