Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
