everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Let's get the cat blown out
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
