so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
