i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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