I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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