im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
