We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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