My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
