Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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