I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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